17 signs of a narcissistic family structure
I've always found Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to be one of the most fascinating disorders, especially how it plays out in family systems. I was digging through some of my old trainings from the domestic violence work I did years ago and wanted to share some findings.
*Warning that this could be triggering for some and helpful/validating for others.
In most families, people are viewed as individual people with unique traits, likes, dislikes, quirks, and habits. In families run by narcissists, children and anyone in the family system are viewed by their role. Only when they fulfill that role as is expected do they receive approval and love.
The main purpose of everyone in the family system is to feed the narcissist's need for adoration. This often leads to heightened levels of enmeshment and codependence in the family such that both children and adults have a hard time individuating.
Among siblings, each one also takes on a specific role. Because each child has experienced their own unique level of abuse at different ages, they each react differently as adults. You have the neutral child who will see the chaos and confusion but will choose to remain silent for fear of being further abused or shamed. They will pretend they don't see what they see to play the role of "peacemaker."
The needy child will rely heavily on the parent who will further enable the dependency, continuing to feed the narcissists' need for being adored. Whether based on real or manufactured needs, this creates a noticeable imbalance between siblings, causing favouritism. Other children are not allowed to have a bad day or show weaknesses, because the child with higher needs requires full support from everyone at all times. Parents may use the needy childs' needs as a crutch to justify unhealthy or abusive behaviours towards other children.
The flying monkey in a narcissistic family dynamic serves as the carrier pigeon. They report back everything they see among the siblings and stay loyal to the narcissistic parents even when it damages them well into adulthood.
The scapegoat child will be the sounding board for most of the abuse as they will be seen as the ones to blame for mishaps in the family system. If they choose to be vocal about the toxicity within the family, they are often berated, belittled, and love is withheld. Left long enough, the scapegoat child may resort to withdrawing entirely.
Most people will view differences as just that – differences. But for narcissists, anyone who has a different way of thinking or perceiving the world will be viewed as an immediate threat. Conformity is rewarded and any other version of "being" is shamed. Children will often live alternate lives and show a certain face to parents who they know will disapprove of them if they are open about who they are. This creates a lack of safety for anyone in the system.
Because the narcissist views their particular worldview as the gold standard, they consider themselves as the source of all that is good and correct. Anyone outside of themselves is not considered an authority on matters they deem themselves to be experts on. They view themselves as special and unique, which is used to support their sense of entitlement. Their need for control supersedes all else, which is why having a chance for a true dialogue with a narcissist is rare.
This also leads to a pseudo-mutuality, where there is an appearance of closeness within the family, but when you look a bit closer, you see the manipulation and toxic patterns that are ingrained in how everyone relates to each other. You will often see unhealthy levels of hierarchy and titles used to promote the narcissists' power structure.
People with NPD are generally hyper-critical and cynical. Nothing will ever be good enough for them and they will avoid giving compliments or showing appreciation, curiosity or empathy towards others who are not like them. This gives them a feeling of control over the family structure.
Narcissists within the larger family system may take ownership over an adult-childs' personal space by coming over unannounced, inserting their opinions to get a reaction, excessive messaging, over-involvement, and overall neglect for boundaries (refer back to codependence and enmeshment, which leads to a shaky self-concept).
When boundaries are being set, the narcissist will shun and shame. They may go to the extreme of cutting off relationships because boundaries feel like an affront to their sense of entitlement. This is because they have great difficulty accepting other perspectives, or validating another's needs.
Denial is a common tactic for narcissists such that they will deny any personal mistakes, become the victim if confronted, and invalidate/disregard hardships. Their view of the world often falls within black and white thinking. Nuances are not considered.
In most families, loved ones do things out of love but in these family systems, inducing guilt is a common way to encourage an action. Unspoken norms are used as leverage for shaming and creating expectations without proper communication (and shame, as we know exists in the context of silence, secrecy, and judgement).
They will feel threatened with any new change or shift and often show a lukewarm, disappointing reaction if a "big deal" is announced such as a move, a larger purchase, job, etc. They have a need for being the center of attention, even when it is not appropriate. This creates a lack of safety for those within the system to share their personal joys, knowing it can backfire at any time.
Some may also choose to live within a nostalgic cage and romanticize the golden days they once remember without accepting new realities.
Add in unresolved traumas, misogyny, and other problematic world-views, and you have a serious set of problems that can impact a narcissists' Deen and Dunya.
the way forward
The way to manage within such a system is to first seek Allahs' help because He sees all.
Consider therapy to work through the impact of living within (or being exposed to) this kind of family dynamic.
Work on developing a solid understanding of Core Value – A concept I cover in detail in my Self-Healing Workbook. A smaller sample of the full version is available as well.
Set boundaries in a firm, neutral and respectful manner. Never argue or offer explanations to a narcissist.
Be aware of how insecurities are projected. See the wounded inner person underneath the narcissistic exterior (as well as all those within the system).
Zoom out with holistic compassion and stick to a solid, healthy support system.
Asma Ahmad, MSW, RSW
As a registered Social Worker with OCSSW, I offer workshops and counseling. My approach as a clinician involves providing support, perspective, and guidance to help women and students live with greater self-awareness especially through challenging situations in life. I’ve been told that because of my gentle personality, clients trust I can listen and help in an empathetic way, a gift I do not take lightly. My areas of focus include:
Anxiety
Anger Management
Highly Sensitive temperament
Depression
Relational Challenges
Emotional Regulation
Trauma
Acculturation
Boundary-setting
Stress Management
Time Management
Life Transitions
Perinatal Support