Managing Uncertainty To Create Inner & Outer Calm
The fact is we have no way to know how long a crisis will last but we know for sure that every storm has an end. Allah Almighty tests us in many ways and even if we logically know the importance of patience and prayer and virtuous attitudes, there is often a disconnect when it comes to taking action on those virtues. Here, I want to share a few ways to manage our current state of uncertainty.
Sit with it:
In our rugged individualistic culture, we are often told to shut our feelings out and move on but I want to suggest something different — This is your permission slip to acknowledge what is difficult. Feel the emotions that come your way, put words to them, cry them out, write them out, but don’t avoid the discomfort. Know that the hardship, frustration, sadness, and uncertainty can feel very real right now and surely with time, it will get better but first and foremost, let yourself validate what you are feeling. Sit with it.
2. Affirm Your Identity
There may be times in your day when you really feel you can’t bear these circumstances any longer. You might lose your patience with your kids, spouse, sibling, or parent and cycle into guilt and shame for feeling the way you do but my dear, I ask you to look for evidence in your day that shows how much you really care.
Look for evidence of:
Your love for those around you
Your deep concern
Your personal strengths as a caretaker, a parent, a son, a daughter, a sibling, and more.
You are doing your best and you matter. Being far from loved ones, friends, colleagues, and our community can start to chip away at our feelings of connection and personal identity at times as well. Make it a priority to uplift someone, call a friend, or a distant loved one to reaffirm your sense of connection.
2. Have a Happiness Project
What are some projects that bring you happiness? Things like
Art
Reading
Writing
Home projects
Gardening
Teaching
Learning any new skill
Work on a project that serves as a personal oasis for you. Personally for me, working on new ways to create and share my ideas has brought much happiness in a short time. Also consider working on your internal oasis when you need a break from everything. An inner oasis can be a safe place, a joyful memory, a deep sense of gratitude, reflecting on how loved you are and how much good you bring to those around you.
3. Go from control to choices
We’ve been hearing a lot recently about focusing on what we can control since so much is out of our control, and I’d like to give a second part to this recommendation, which is to focus on choices instead. It’s easy to fall into a spiral of “What if’s” or “I should have .. I would have .. I could have ..” but there is simply no benefit to either thought patterns. They can be whispers from Shaytan to make us feel hopeless and have regret over things Allah (swa) had willed. Instead, we can consider our choices in the moment -
The choice to have courage and tawakkul.
The choice to take time for rest
The choice to increase worship and ask Allah (swa) for forgiveness
The choice to overlook mistakes by loved ones
The choice to have compassion for ourselves and everyone around us
The choice to look at how much you can gain from this
Along with choices, there is another way to calm our minds by asking ourself, “then what?” If we are concerned about a certain outcome such as getting sick, not knowing how to manage our child’s education, feeling overwhelmed with house work, etc., we can make a concrete action plan by asking, “then what?” That plan can include things like talking to a care provider using telehealth services, reaching out to a friend, school support, or another parent for clarity, or asking for help from loved ones at home to manage the general home upkeep.
5. “Everything is okay in this moment”
Recognizing that the only thing we have for sure is this moment, nothing more. And in this moment, everything is relatively “okay” alhumdulillah. We probably have enough food to eat, good people who love us, connection with Allah (swa), health, and things that bring us joy such as our morning breakfast, a cup of tea, fresh air, a daily phone call with a loved on, a skill or talent we enjoy, and so on. When feelings of dread might poke their head at us, we can reassure ourself that everything is okay in this moment even if our mind wants to make us think otherwise.
6. Avoid perfection
There is a time for wanting to exceed expectations but this is not that time. This is not the time to try and be the perfect parent, sibling, colleague, child, etc. at the expense of your mental wellness. We are experiencing an abnormal situation and it is very normal to drop the ball in some areas.
Right now is the time to let go…
Of our harsh inner critic,
Of any unhealthy expectations
Of the personal need for control,
And remind yourself that you can only do your personal best, given the circumstances. Give yourself time to rest, to figure things out as you go and to change things if they aren’t working.
7. Talk to Allah (swa)
As believers, we know for certain Allah (swa) hears us, sees us, knows our struggle, and cares for us through every moment of our day. I encourage you to set aside 5 minutes of your day, just 5 minutes to make du’a to Allah (swa). Tell Allah (swa) how you are feeling, explain your situation just like a child who comes to you to ask for something earnestly.
Consider how greatly in need you are of Allah (swa) and put your trust in Him to answer your call. Imagine Allah (swa) holding you close, consoling you, giving you hope and telling you it will all be okay. What would that feel like? Let your heart feel overcome with gratitude for your Most Merciful Rabb.
8. Journal letters to yourself
Can you imagine how we will feel and how much gratefulness will fill our hearts when we can be out in the world again inshaAllah? I’m not sure if it will ever feel the same again, but for now, take time to write a letter to yourself about what this experience is showing you and any personal reflections. Write letters to people you wish you could embrace and be with physically. I’ve also been writing short journal entries to my daughter telling her about this time so when she grows up, she’ll be able to read them and know what it was like.
9. Catch yourself in cognitive distortions
Cognitive distortions such as jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, and catastrophizing situations (“blowing things out of proportion”) are inaccurate thought patterns that can impact our mental wellness. Notice when a thought might be distorted and take some space to come back to equilibrium. These thoughts might sound like:
Things will always be this way and never get better (predicting the future)
If someone my age died from this virus then I might too (overgeneralizing)
Everyone else seems to be doing so much better with the quarantine than I am (comparison)
I lost my patience with my 3 year old yesterday so that makes me a bad parent (all or nothing thinking, disqualifying all the positives.
10. Take stock of the available supports around you
Alhumdulillah Allah (swa) never tests us without also giving us multiple forms of ease in different ways, even if it’s not what we imagine. Notice what supports are available to you in the form of:
Creating times to check-in with each other as couple or a family (Mind, Body, Soul)
Organizing your time
Organizing your spaces as a family
Dividing chores and routines
Enjoying playfulness and games as a way to relax
Communicating your needs with those closest to you
Contacting friends and loved ones
This will help tremendously to avoid burnout and manage uncertainty with a plan of action that works for everyone.
If you are reading this line all the way down here, thank you SO much for reading and learning with me. I hope you will share this post if you found it beneficial!
Take care,
Asma